HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.