My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
how much for the angry fruit?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.