To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I can also cook 😂
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.