Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Lmbo
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.