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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??