I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
You Might Also Like
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
asked my bf how work was today
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy