The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
You Might Also Like
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES