My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Last-minute gift idea!
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it