an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
LOL
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
😂😂😂
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”