Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
tourist season
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Yup….perfect score!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.