Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.