Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
You Might Also Like
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.