Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
incredible text to wake up to
Why soy sad?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.