Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT