Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that