When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me