I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.