STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
going to the ER y’all need anything
Cheer up.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.