(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
The dark side of Canada
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time