My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
the greatest twitter interaction
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.