My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You Might Also Like
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
We’ve all been there
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
FRED: right
i’m sure it’s fine
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.