What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool