SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”