I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE