What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Always
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.