Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old