ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.