“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.