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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Liquor Store Parking
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.