The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.