Botany good plants lately?
You Might Also Like
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.