Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Monday
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.