When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.