I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂