Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Terribly Tuesday.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret