I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…