Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”