Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Twitter fine art
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.