Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.