[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
He took my last fry, your honor
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.