Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.