Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
The USS B port
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Damn what did I do next