daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Not today
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.