*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Florida man
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.