Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.