[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
You Might Also Like
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”