I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
How it started How it’s going
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.