Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You Might Also Like
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little