[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁