In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Squirrels before girls.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind